The Doodle Project: Shadow



sometimes I wake up in the morning

and I have to move carefully around a pregnant figure standing in a corner

 a veiled Shadow that stands and watches

out of the corner of my eye I see it still in the darkest corner of the darkest room

it never moves, it only stands as I rush around and about in life’s maelstrom, running,

running, escaping

on my darkest day the shadow of that Shadow looms terrifyingly tall, covering my bed in its giant grasp

on my slowest days it seems to emanate a force that keeps me from the door, moving backwards against time and laughter and all that I crave

on the days when my head weighs a thousand heads and my mind splits and rips apart it seems to unfurl inky limbs and fill in the room, billowing-black

On the days I’m tired of running, tired of living, tired of having to breathe, I see the Shadow, standing still in one corner of the room.

it will never really go.

there will never be a day when I will wake up and find it banished from thought

there will never be a time before the time I knew its presence

Even if the sunshine fritters it away to dust and the golden beams scrub the corner clean and light fills the room from corner to corner, end to end

someday I will obliquely glance out of the corner of my eye to find its haunting-space filled once more

i can’t tie it down or throw it away

 exorcise it as if it is something out of me and my mind

destroy it in a puff of smoke

think it to be where my life began and my days will end

none of these malignant thoughts will make it melt to dust

you see

the Shadow is me

always has been

It is the me that I carefully step around on the hard winter mornings and suffocated summer nights

It is the me that was once strangled buried starved broken bent concentrated and torn

It is the me that knows nothing except sadness and despair

It is the me that cries for release in an empty cave that echoes with my screams

It is the me trying to reach out, to reach


you see

this Shadow-Me I hate needs my love

it wants

 a sprinkling of cleansing rain

a touch of showering blossoms

a whisper of playful wind

a dollop of the blue blue sky

a dose of golden sunshine

to help it bloom again

and who will give it the clouds and the stars and the midnight moon if I don’t?

and as much as I wish I could purge that me, cut it off like a gangrenous arm poisoning healthy limbs

as much as I wish that Shadow never existed and could be burnt away by a thousand bonfires

as much as I wish it wasn’t me

who then will save that Shadow

that was once a happy young girl playing in her own world with her eyes filled with dreams?

Who will lift it to the sky

flowering and pretty and peaceful

and let it become one with the light?

Who will love this poor, broken, once-upon-a-me

Who will remember the days in which she wasn’t at war with herself

And the shadows were nothing to be afraid of?



Sejuti Final

This poem was written by the person currently having a nervous breakdown every day of their life (aka me.) The art was created by the lovely Sejuti.


Edit: an earlier version of the post mentioned that the art had been created by Subarna. While Subarna is just as incredible an artist, this particular beauty was all Sejuti’s. You can see Subarna’s art here

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